DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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