I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
