The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
