He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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