mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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