how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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