I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
