You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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