I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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