I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am available for nakedness
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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