god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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