____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
