he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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