I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
