My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
