No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
