C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
