u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
