: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So vagazzling was a success
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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