Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
