He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
