What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
