i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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