good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
