I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
