I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
