I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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