my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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