remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
