Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
