Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
