Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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