Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
