I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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