I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
