totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
