im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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