I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What a dumb baby whore.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
