wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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