my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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