In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
