just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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