I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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