shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
someone owes me an orgasm
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
