then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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