I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
