Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
