i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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