I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
