soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
