Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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