i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
