Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
