And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
