Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
