I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
