I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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