If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize