Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
