I faked an abortion last night.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
