I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
